Arrested Development →

When in graduate school, I wrote a master’s thesis on adolescent development, studying research of three experts in the field—Lawrence Kohlberg on moral development, Erik Erickson on social, and Jean Piaget on cognitive. I then merged their findings to describe a normal, healthy adolescent. I learned our expectations for pre-teens and young adults were startlingly unrealistic. In our education system, while these students were just beginning to transition from a binary world to one more complex, we expected to them have fully arrived and punished them for their disinterest in our complicated curriculum. I concluded that as a teacher, and a mother, it is healthier and more productive to meet youth where they are, rather than where we think they should be.

Over the years I have expanded this understanding to apply to arrested development—when an adult’s maturity and behavior is below our expectations. This bias is often directed to those recovering from addiction or alcoholism. While others were spending their evenings reviewing the day, tracking lessons learned or planning for the future, the addict or alcoholic may have been in a haze, learning little. It should be no surprise that when this person begins recovery, they are behind. Or that it will take time for them to catch up. As friends, family members and educators, let us also meet them where they are and support their development as they move forward.

There are so many ways we can fall behind. A long-term illness, a move to a new community, tragedy in the family—all can stunt development for a time. So let us have kinder hearts, and greater tolerance, for those whose stories may be different and more disruptive than our own. On a positive note, it has been my experience that people who have faced these challenges, and recovered from them, often catch up faster than expected and gain wisdom beyond their years.                                                      

Always a silver lining.